I'm Jessica...

Life is weird. The many places it can take us. The amazing sights we will see.
Life is cruel. One tiny thing can happen, and somehow it can make you feel like nothing.
All emotions are lost. You don't know what to feel.
Life is unfair.
And as much as that rings in my ears everytime I say it outloud, its true. I can still remember my mom shouting that to me while I complained about what was for dinner that night, what I was told to do, and so over so many homework assignments.

I'm waiting for my break. I come home everyday and manage to find time to lay my head down on my pillow and sleep. Dreaming that when I wake up, I won't be in this town anymore. Change. Its happening to much, I need it to slow down so I can catch up.

You move to a town, and all you want is for people to accept you. You want to make friends that somehow just barely measure up to the ones that you were so close to before. You meet people, yeah, but they aren't like those other friends. You are so afraid to open up and tell them everything. Even your deepest secrets will come back to haunt you.

Finally, in a long while, you begin to like someone. Things are okay, but you are too afraid to get to close. Fear of rejection. Just like the fear of being the "new" kid in town. Things get better. You start talking more. Than bam, right down the drain. They are taken. An emotional wreck is the best I can put it.

I feel like there is no point in anything anymore.
I constantly await the weekend to come, but for what?
So I can sit at home?

I'm waiting for that feeling to return, that feeling of having something to be excited about.

I dream of the wind in my hair, and nothing but the colorful city skyline straight ahead, anxiously awaiting my arrival.
I wanna get out and see the world.
I wanna know whats its like to laugh and actually mean it.
I dream of a better tomorrow.
Of waking up and for once feeling that thing called true happiness.
I dream of the day I am handed my licence.
The day I receive a car.
But I'm scared.
If I'm in the same situation as I am now.

All I'll be dreaming about is getting out.
And leaving forever.

I hide behind my smiles and constant giggles, while deep down inside, there is something that wants to cry out. I try to make the best out of situations, and just keep going until the end of the day, when in all honestly, the real me is yearning to get out. I'm a wreck, inside, completely. Everything is torn to pieces, but all I can do is smile, and make everyone else around me, believe that everything is okay. I don't want people to ask questions. The feeling is nothing that they can even imagine. Only of course a select few know what its like.

I know what I need most is to cry.
To be told just once, by someone who truely mean its, that I'm loved.

But in truth, all I want is to get out.
I'm stuck right now.
Badly stuck.
And I'm about to burst if someone doesn't let me out soon.

I dream of running away, going somewhere exciting, where sadness doesn't exist, and all these haunting feelings can just dissapear.
I want to start over.
Again.

Knowing what I know now.
I would watch what I say.

Like the boy that won't make me feel like complete shit.
And things would hopefully be better.

I told my mom last night, I was ready to move again.
I just wish certain people didn't know so much about my past.
The mistakes I've made.
The little regrets I have.
They can't judge me because they have no idea what its like.

You don't know me.
At all.
And I'm sorry, but I'm too afraid to let you in.
So just move on.

For your sake and mine...
move on.

This doesn't even begin to describe how I feel at this moment in time.
Not even close.
Its much worse.